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Thread: Balls

  1. #1

    Balls

    I read a very interesting article today in Waste Monthly about what may be the end of footballs as we know it. There is quite a lot written about plastic waste at sea getting eaten by sharks who then get angry and attack people, leading people to kill sharks, and on it goes until the last shark or man is standing. But there is a twist in the fin - there is more to it than that.

    It appears that the biggest plastic offender are footballs, our oceans are full of them, bobbing along like toddler's turds in the municipal baths. In some cases they are welcomed (1), especially where there are loads of sea lions (2). The least surprising statistic is that they are most prevalent in the Bristol Channel near those clubs close to water where Matt Coupe has played.

    So what to do? Some are calling for the old leather balls to make a return until it was pointed out that leather comes from tigers so that isn't going to be environmentally friendly (3). The top runner appears to be recycled tyres, the same material as that used on rubber crumb pitches. Personally I don't know why they don't simply get a big net (4), gather them up (5), pump up any flat ones and paint them if they are looking a bit tatty.

    When we were kicked out of Meadow Park by global warning, our club was one of the first sporting institutions to be affected by climbing change so we have a place in history, and some pub quizzes, but clearly the changing world is going to affect sports in many ways we don't envisage. I don't mind admitting that quite frankly I am scared, and since I have explained it in some detail to all to them, my family are petrified as well. We have set up a panic room in the house stocked up with dog biscuits, fray bentos, a device for recycling urine into drinking water (a bottle), and for entertainment a pack of Top Trump Serial Killers. I have locked Mrs S in there for the last two weeks as an experiment, and she is only coming out once she stops screaming.

    A famous phone company once said that the future's bright, the future's orange, and they were right. They were describing the first five seconds after a nuclear bomb impacts.

    See you at the next home game (6)


    (1) footballs not turds
    (2) or seals. I usually get the two confused, don't you?
    (3) personally I don't give a shite, they're killers.
    (4) there is a certain irony in the net hitting the back of the balls, rather than the other way around
    (5) 4 should be here, with no need for 5
    (6) god willing

  2. #2
    Add to that rugby balls, Tennis , ping pong etc...things will get worse before they get better.

  3. #3
    Nurse!...........
    Pitying people who need to drink alcohol to have a good time since 4th June 2017.

  4. #4
    Balls?
    Bollocks, more like!

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